


Letters

by notaquaman



Series: New Life [3]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: FTM!John, M/M, Rambling, Remorse, Sadstuck, Trans Male Character, maybe i'm not sure about that, mute character, mute!dave
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-16
Updated: 2015-06-01
Packaged: 2018-03-30 14:03:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3939529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notaquaman/pseuds/notaquaman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>let·ter<br/>ˈledər/<br/>noun<br/>a written, typed, or printed communication, especially one sent in an envelope by mail or messenger.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

DEAR DAVE,  
I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m leaving you, I’m sorry that you have to find out this way. But I’m not sure what you want me to do, we go back and forth almost everyday, a cycle of dating one moment and the next we’re nothing again. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO??? Do you expect me to lay down and bend to your every wish? Do you want me to leave? Is this what you’ve intended for me the entirety of our short-lived relationship? Because I can’t handle you anymore, not like this. I just wanted something simple, something we could both handle. But that’s just not how it’s going to work, is it? My hands are shaking as I’m writing this, I don’t want to leave you, honestly. But I have to. For both of our sakes. We’re tearing our friendship apart in ways I can’t even dream of. I just wish we could fix this, all of it. I’m not even sure why this is happening. Why us? Of all the people in the world, why did some high powerful being decide to curse us with this? Why won’t they let us even try to mend it?

I guess this all began when you started seeing Karkat again, right? It makes sense, after all, you two had known each other for five years and I’d only known you for three. But don’t I deserve anything? Instead, you basically forced yourself out of my life with a dull blade and forced me to sit and watch as you happily went about your days. Don’t get me wrong, I love Karkat, Karkat’s a great guy who deserves all the best in the world, just not you. We had everything, we did everything together, but I guess you could just throw it all away to hang out with your new boytoy. I hated him for a solid three months. I hated both of you, the way you flaunted your relationship everywhere, the way you ignored Jake and I. Were you doing all of that on purpose? Because you certainly got your message across. I tried to fight back, tried to prove myself worthy to you, because maybe if I did, you would reciprocate those feelings. In the long run, neither of those options worked out, and eventually you and Karkat broke up, but apparently the feeling was mutual because you’re still friends. It’s just… I want you to love me, to be with me, and I can’t handle the thought of you leaving me. And I know that’s what would happen if we ever became a serious relationship. If we could just try maybe we could somehow, someway, work out. But I don’t think that’ll happen for a long, long time.

I’m sorry for dumping this on you all at once, I don’t mean to I swear, the words are just pouring out of me faster than I can handle and I want to slow down but the more I try to, the more words come out. I wish you would talk, I want to hear those beautiful words I know you’re capable of saying. I want to hear your laugh, your real, genuine laugh. I want to hear everything because I want to know what you sound like. I want to hear your voice cracks, your sneezes, your whispers, the noise you make when you drop something on your toe. I just want to hear you. I want to hear you say ‘I love you’. 

I’m not trying to guilt trip you, really. I just need to get out these feelings in a way speaking can’t describe. Ironic how I don’t want to speak while you can’t. Maybe we should trade vocal chords. Would that even work? I doubt it, but it might be worth a shot. Now that I think about it, it probably wouldn’t. I shouldn’t have thought about it. What if there was some magical way that our tissues matched up? Would it work then? Are vocal chords even tissue? Questions, questions. You’re not even a doctor, how would you know the answer? But maybe you’re secretly a doctor and this is your way of hiding it, by playing the role of a little innocent mute boy. Well okay, I wouldn’t use innocent to describe you, but you get the point. 

Honestly I’m rambling at this point and I really don’t mean to, it’s just sort of happening as I go. I’m sorry. I know I apologize way too much and I apologize for that too. I should really work on that, but it’s not as easy as it seems. I mean it’s kind of a habit, Once I start I can’t stop. Like apologies are my drug. I can’t believe I just said that. That’s so cheesy wow I should have never said that, forget that happened. I’m so sorry you had to read that.

I guess the point of this whole letter is that I care about you, and I want you to feel the same way about me, but I know that won’t happen. I probably won’t even give you this, maybe I’ll shred it. I’ve heard that’s a very good thing to do to get rid of things. We should invest in a paper shredder. It seems like it would be something we would use, right? I mean if we ever need to hide from the government we could shred all the evidence and then burn it. We could fill the bottom of a rodent cage with shredded paper, maybe we should buy a guinea pig. Or a ferret, I’ve heard Jake say he wants a ferret, then again what doesn’t Jake want as a pet. I’m surprised he only has Bec. But I guess that dog is large enough to fill the space of seven cats, my god I should really appreciate him more, we could have seven cats in this apartment. What a nightmare. 

I just think that you should maybe give me a shot, a real one, not just an ‘oh haha sure I’ll go on a date with you how fun would that be’. A real god damn chance. Have I done something wrong? Did I not buy you flowers or something? Just tell me what you want and it’s yours. I’ll do anything you want me to do, I’ll even leave your life if you say so. But I can’t do any of that if you don’t tell me. Do you expect me to be some sort of mindreader?? Because you’d be sorely mistaken.

Just… Please. Give me something to hold onto, something to believe, anything. I just need to know that you’re not doing this on purpose, and even if you are, it’d be nice to pretend. 

\--  
JOHN


	2. Chapter 2

DEAR JOHN

i dont mean to hurt you, i didn’t mean to leave you behind. im sorry, you shouldnt be apologizing for the stupid things ive done. i should have never spent all that time with karkat, it was wasted anyways, i mean if im going to be honest we didnt have enough in common enough to actually date. i should have seen that mess from a mile away. but i guess i was just so caught up in what others opinions of me would end up being if i didn’t start dating, even jessabelle told me to tap that, and those are in her words, not mine.  
i just wish you would give me another chance, but ive taken all of those havent i? i dont mean to, things like that just happen when people are around me. im a hopeless case, in every sense of the overused words. i should be put into solitary confinement, where the only attention ill ever get is at meal time. if im going to be honest, i should say that im a complete loser, im not sure what anyone actually sees in me, especially you and jake. wow im some big shot mute guy who would have a rockin accent if i could actually communicate the fact that i dont want meat on his pizza due to the fact that im a vegetarian and would rather not consume meat or meat by products with actual words.  
maybe one day the speech therapy will actually work and my vocal chords will actually cooperate with me and do the thing theyre supposed to do. god, im sorry for being such a mopey bastard, i dont even know how you manage to put up with my crap 24/7. you must be some sort of god if you manage to handle this everyday. i should start a religion dedicated to you. wait no i wouldnt be that creepy, i know i seem like i would do that but trust me i wouldnt.  
i guess what im just trying to say is that i just want you to be happy, and i cant even manage to do that correctly. what a great friend am i right? i dont even deserve that title, why do you and oli even put up with me? i basically mooch off the both of you and act like im some big hot shot, when really im just a lameass who cant speak. and i know you want me to, and im sorry i just cant. youve entrusted me with all of your secrets and i just feel like im letting you down or something. geez why cant everything be like one of those really cheesy movies where we dont know about each others feelings but somehow we just end up saying it and whoa then were married, why is real life so stupid and weird??? thanks obama. you know, obama is such a cool dude i dont know why he gets so much hate, let a man live. well ok technically hes the president but why cant he have a little bit of fun every once in a while? damn republicans.  
im getting off track here without anyone to stop me and i should probably apologize for that but im not going to do that because what i have spouted was pure genius. youre welcome.  
anyways, i just wanted to say that im, well i dont really know. sorry? maybe. i dont know what you want me to do, i have my own life you know, well at least i hope you are aware of this fact. i just feel like you think that you can control me or something, and you cant. im not your personal slave or whatever, you dont own everything i do, i mean sure you pay rent on this apartment but that doesnt mean anything (ok yes it does but shoosh im trying to make an argument). i just feel as if you think im weak, like im some sort of baby who cant turn around without making a huge mess or something, i mean i sort of get the last part but if anyone is making the messes it is you man, you mess up my room more than bec does, and god knows that dog can make quite the mess. why did we even let jake get him again?? oh right bc when he was small he was adorable and small but now hes large and adorable. im not sure what i think about that combination, it makes him too powerful. lets not let him into any radioactive material, aight? that dog does not need to get any larger than it already is. dang. we almost have a clifford the big red dog situation on our hands, only its a german shepard and not a whatever clifford is. i dont even know where i was going with this anymore.  
right right im sorry, sort of, i mean its sort of your fault too so dont think youre being let off easily, because im sort of very angry at you. yes very angry, bringing out larger words now because wow youve pissed me off john egbert and as hard as that must be to hear, it must be said. because how dare you, a) youre the one who started this whole thing, its not my fault i found someone to date, and b) youre a fairly large idiot. a fairly large one, not a small one, a large idiot, the largest of them all, move out of the way snow white, youre the new fairest idiot of the land. dont trust any apples now, i dont want you to die or anything. im so mad i could just punch you in the face but i wont because you would probably punch me back, youre rude in that way. cant a man have his own fun without being punched.  
i guess i just wanted the chance at a relationship for once, one that we both wanted. and karkat was willing, so i guess i just sort of, went with the gut feeling? yeah. thats when you started distancing yourself i think, i dont even know why you felt that way, its my relationship not yours. i chose what to do with it, and i should be angrier than i actually am and i am incredibly pissed off about that fact, why cant i be mad at you for longer than an hour?????  
im sorry, i love you.  
i mean maybe we were meant to be this way, maybe we were meant to be this way. maybe you were right. im sorry. again.  
\--  
DAVE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello again it is i pls review this i am very desparate  
> notaquaman.tumblr.com

**Author's Note:**

> notaquaman.tumblr.com


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